018.

Lately I've been thinking about writing. Especially with Breaking Dawn coming out tomorrow, I know I've been thinking (along with half the intertubes) that if SMeyer can get published, so can I. But it's more than that; I've been thinking about writing in little chinks of time at work, or when I'm walking with my mother.

Today I found some notes I took about a story idea. I had no idea I'd been writing that much down, because I've been taking mental notes for the past couple months. I used to be terrified that it couldn't build from a vague idea into a cohesive story and world, but I'm discovering that the more I just let it roll around in my head, the more ideas I'm getting. Now I have concepts I want to research. And that'll spawn even more ideas.

Quantum physics, here I come.

017.

It gives me a weird kind of joy to know that, come Friday, Twilight fans all over the globe will be mispronouncing "Sequim" in their heads when they reach page 9 of Breaking Dawn.

PS. Ugh, I'd forgotten how "Omg seventeen is the perfect age and I don't ever want to mature" these books are. It's annoying.

016.

Ugh, fatigue. It's the fourth day of my new diet, and that's all I feel. Now, I'm at the end of a Remicade cycle, which is always fatigue inducing, so that's one explanation. But even after my breakfast this morning of banana pancakes (yum! banana + egg + a little cinnamon & vanilla), applesauce and provolone cheese, I still feel tired and rundown.

The first two days I could understand it, because I didn't eat as much (oops). I know that I've been working full time, and just came back from camp (and so am still a bit dehydrated and exhausted).

I have noticed a difference in my gums, though. They're 50% healthier, shiny and not puffy at all, and light pink. That's probably because I've stopped eating white sugar and corn syrup.

So, I've made a resolution. I'll stay on this diet for thirty days. If I don't get better, or feel better, or something at the end of those thirty days, I will re-introduce whole grains (I think refined grains and sugars are probably a bad idea regardless). I just finished Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food, and one of the things he claims is that the genes of people who come from different areas are adapted to the traditional foods of those areas. Europeans are some of the lucky few who have been eating grains for a long time, so I may be able to tolerate whole grains without totally upsetting the balance of bacteria/yeast in my gut (I'm mostly French/British Isles).

Also, Michal Pollan talked about the balance between Omega-3 (from plants) and Omega-6 (from grains) fatty acids. And, in short super-reductionated science, Omega-3s fight inflammation while Omega-6s cause it. The SCD might help bring back my ratio of the two into optimal levels.

So. If this fatigue clears up, I'll consider staying on the diet. If not, good riddance.

015.

Started the diet today with pretty much no planning. In retrospect, this may or may not have been the best idea. It was good that I didn't plan, because I didn't have any time to talk myself out of it, or procrastinate while I stocked up the perfect pantry. It was bad, because I really don't have that many legal foods to snack on, and any pantry basics (like almond flour, honey and natural peanut butter) that might aid in making food I still need to acquire.

In a fit of irony, my work chose this day to feed a training session roast beef, gravy and mashed potatoes (currently the bane of my existence, I love them so much). There were, of course, leftovers. Very fragrant, yummy-smelling leftovers. Also, cookies.

But! I discovered today that beans are legal, and so is squash. And I think having restrictions to what I can eat (carbs are at least half my diet as of yesterday) will propel me to more adventurous eating. Hello, mushrooms.

I went to the grocery store on my lunch break to find some food, and I never really realized how many processed products there are with sugar. Or corn syrup. It's everywhere. Even in plain ol' beef jerky.

Excuse me while I go to the store for some beans to make refried beans. Mmm. I am determined to figure out some sort of tortilla substitute. I will not go years without quesadillas or enchiladas.

014.

The time has come to bite the bullet. Or, shall I say, to stop biting corn. And wheat. And sugar.

This might be a long story to tell. I'll start in the middle. My senior year in high school, my gastroenterologist was threatening me with surgery if I couldn't get my Crohn's disease cleared up (this sounds like somehow the Crohn's was my fault, but it isn't, I assure you). In an attempt to avoid surgery (which I did, just in case anyone is worrying), my mother found this book called Breaking the Vicious Cycle, which evangelizes the Specific Carbohydrate Diet as a way of curing Crohn's (and Ulcerative Colitis, and some other things, including autism) without drugs or surgery. The specific part about carbohydrates is that you can't eat them. No complex carbs allowed. That means no grains, no potatoes, no rice or corn, no refined sugar. Back then, it seemed an impossible task to me, and I'd rather feel sick than have to give up foods. I ended up finding ProBiotics, which got me into a mini-remission and into the good health I have today. Mostly.

Fast forward to a month ago, when I started reading The Omnivore's Dilemma (am now reading In Defense of Food, never fear). The prolificance of corn in the modern diet, if what Michal Pollan writes is accurate, is rather scary. I wanted to label everything CORN, instead of Spaghetti-Os or Fruit Roll Ups or whatever. Then I started thinking. If undigested chains of complex carbohydrates are making bad bacteria thrive in our guts (as according to BTVC), and corn is a complex carbohydrate, it stands that if we as a society (and me as a person) are eating mass amounts of corn-infused food, we have a huge imbalance of flora in our guts. And our current diet isn't helping at all.

So, with the coming together of two unrelated books (and also some hella infections, yay for having next-to-no immune system), I decided it's time to try the Specific Carbohydrate diet.

I'm a bit scared, not gonna lie. I'm trying not to think about all the tasty wheat-based products I love, or mashed potatoes. I baked my last cupcakes this weekend, and had my last quesadilla tonight. Tomorrow I'm picking up almond flour and yogurt starter.

SCD here I come.

013.

There is nothing that will inspire more fear in me than the words 'graduate school.' Seriously. Every time I think about applying, or even taking the GREs, or even considering what I should study, my heart starts beating faster, I get super-nervous and I can't shake the feeling that I'll never get in.

The stupidest part is I know that I'm the type of student that should go to grad school no questions asked. High school was a breeze, I'm one of the best students at my college, top academic scholarship, double majoring blah blah blah. Hell, I'm one of the Honors program director's favorite students. I eat school for breakfast. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm not prepared for grad school; I'll never get in; I won't be prepared for the classes; I'm just an amateur and am not sophisticated/worldly/well-read/fluent in three languages enough.

But this is what I need to do. I am worth grad school. I will pwn grad school.

Right? Right.

012.

Look at the different ways people deal with their insecurities. Some people become loud, boisterous, as if if they can point out their own flaws first, or create superficial new ones, they win (because people won't see their real flaws). Some people withdraw, almost refuse to give the world any foothold to see insecurities. And yet, each method isn't enough, can't mask the pain (which eventually manifests in bulimia and cutting).

I've decided to start a center for cultural refugees. Come if you've decided to shun the ideologies of consumerism, nutritionism, of dualism and sterotypeism. Come if the superficiality of the world hurts more than the reasons for it. Come if you want to have a real conversation with someone, if you want to live a life without clocks, if you want to spend time with God and not feel like you're drowning. Come if you've ever thought there's a better way, or a better place, or a better life. Just come.

011.

I am always amazed at how exhilerating and exhausting one week can be.

More to come when I'm hydrated and unpacked.